jawbreaker or die

Sessions #3 and #4 Arrived at a blue ring… 13.75 grams...

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:41:00 -0700

Sessions #3 and #4

Arrived at a blue ring… 13.75 grams left.

Finished the blue ring. Arrrived at a white ring (pic above)…

13.55 grams left.

Pulled my tongue muscle yet again on Session #4. Yes, really.

"She's my lollypop jawbreaker never fade away..."

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 11:04:42 -0700

“Lollypop Jawbreaker” by The Time

Haikus, white dudes, waiting for the right moves
It’s the first night, but I all ready like you
I really wanna kiss, thinking what might that prove
I don’t wanna be rude, I wanna wait ‘til the mood’s right
Talking bout hickies holding hands in the moonlight
You wear all
My favorite colors from the yellows to the reds
To the greens to the blues
From your round head, to your cardboard shoes
My mouth is watering, thinking bout your taste
I wanna lick your flavor down to your stick waist
You could be my ball and chain
Let’s settle down like gravity
My mama said you’re no good and all you’ll give is cavities
But you’re my sugar, I love the swirl in your retinas
And when I look at other girls it doesnt even upset ya
That’s trust, that’s a must, that’s us, plus
I love you so much, the lust won’t rust
When you walk you sparkle, you glitter and shine
When I saw you from a mile away, I knew you deserved a rhyme
So I wrote it down, and it went this way
It said hey girl, I’m here to stay

She’s my lollypop, she’s my lolly pop pop
She’s my lollypop jawbreaker never fade away

The second verse is usually about the breakup
But I still love her from her pumas to her makeup
Usually by then they start to cheat
They start to lie, and with someone else they meet
But this didn’t happen, I just kept rappin
She even wrote me love letters on the back of napkins
We take road trips all around
And were in the sheets and cuddling by sun down
I wake up with the roosters, and cook up some hash browns
I’m brushing my teeth, laughing more than the last town
Where we at now? I don’t really know
I see gerbils and hamsters
And cops wearing pampers
And Audrey Hepburn’s my personal dancer
Is it fair to kiss, a happy Aquarius
Even if your my lover slash therapist
I showed her to my family she said love forever
She said she’d neva leave me neva eva eva eva
So here we are both naked in the mountains
Top of the rock, just licking and lounging
It’s just me and her, it’s just her and me
It’s just that she’s god and eternity
So is we, and everybody
Candy grows from trees, and rivers arent bloody
She doesnt like parties, she’d rather read and study
Even cowgirls get the blues, but their boots arent muddy
She wrote me a song and it went this way
It said hey Chris, I’m here to stay
Cause

She’s my lollypop, she’s my lolly pop pop
She’s my lollypop jawbreaker never fade away

(She was beautiful as a cigar after a steak dinner)

Jawbreaker vs. Microwave Or Why kids are awesome.

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:58:07 -0700

Jawbreaker vs. Microwave

Why kids are awesome.

Taking My Sweet Time

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 00:20:47 -0700

Just want to assure you, I’m still working on my jawbreaker. Will have some photos and weigh-in data sometime in the near future. In the meantime, according to the Interwebs, “It would take 4.7 years for a frog to consume an entire MegaBruiser*!” I have no idea if this is remotely true (it’s probably not).

*”MegaBruiser” is a particular brand of 1-pound jawbreaker

It’s official. I’ve consumed 2.15 ounces of sugar in...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:15:00 -0700

It’s official. I’ve consumed 2.15 ounces of sugar in the 40 minutes of licking I’ve mustered thus far. This is, of course, presuming the “mega 1-lb jawbreaker” was precisely 16 ounces, as advertised. That leaves me with 13.85 ounces, which translates to 554 minutes or 9.23 hours of licking. Since 15 minutes is pretty much my tongue’s limit, I should be done with this thing after another 37 sessions, give or take. Good thing I’m keeping this sucker in the fridge.

I’ll be weighing my JB tonite when I get home, but until...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:39:00 -0700

I’ll be weighing my JB tonite when I get home, but until then, BEHOLD!

Wil Wheaton’s review of the classic 1982 videogame “Jawbreaker”:

At the end of each level, a cute little toothbrush comes out and scrubs your little chompy teeth clean.

A few people have asked whether I am brushing more often. YES, I brush right after every lick session. Getting cavities due to this challenge would be worth it, but I’m still doing what I can to be as hygenic as possible.

How Much Progress Did I Make in 40 Minutes?

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 07:52:00 -0700

My food scale arrived this week, which means two things:

1) we’ll soon know exactly how much sugar I’ve eaten so far (assuming the jawbreaker weighed a solid 1-lb to start)

2) based on the 40 minutes of lick-time i’ve logged thus far, i should be able to calculate roughly how long it will take to finish this badboy. (semi-educated guess: 100 hours of licking?)

Blender vs. Jawbreaker! Not the best camerwork, but short and...

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:33:00 -0700

Blender vs. Jawbreaker!

Not the best camerwork, but short and well worth it.

Hammer vs. Jawbreaker Money Shot = 00:40

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:32:00 -0700

Hammer vs. Jawbreaker

Money Shot = 00:40

Session 2 After a few days of recovery, my tongue and I got back...

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:04:00 -0700

Session 2

After a few days of recovery, my tongue and I got back to work on Thursday. I’ve been storing the jawbreaker in a plastic baggie in the fridge. Conclusion: a cold jawbreaker is actually 100x tastier than one served at room temperature. I’m also amazed at how much progress can be made in 15 miutes. My strategy to move the jawbreaker and leave my tongue stationary wasn’t very effective or fun, so I’m now licking cautiously and using my lips. Fairly certain it looks mildly PG-13.

Updates are going to be sparse for the next week. I’m doing a 7-day cleanse (no sugar). On the plus side, by the time I start back up, my new digital kitchen scale will have arrived (thanks to Mat for the idea). Soon we’ll know just how much weight 15 minutes of licking shaves off!

Making a Jawbreaker Takes FOUR DAYS! Other interesting...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 16:39:00 -0700

Making a Jawbreaker Takes FOUR DAYS!

Other interesting factoids…

- a golf ball-sized jawbreaker has 10 layers of colored sugar (see 4:41)

- powdered carnuba wax gives the jawbreaker its shiny finish

- an oil (soya palm sterine) is used to make sure the candy won’t stick to your teeth.

- a jawbreaker is 90% sugar and 10% awesome

**UPDATE**

The video’s been yanked from YouTube! Consider the above points the Cliff’s Notes. To be honest, the rest of the vid was mainly cool factory footage. Use your imagination.

session 1 25 minutes of intermittent licking last night....

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 19:59:00 -0700

session 1

25 minutes of intermittent licking last night. the first dozen licks were a challenge. there’s a fairly rough texture on the outside. but my mouth kept at it and soon that sweet sweet, color-changing jb revealed itself. went to bed feeling awesome and accomplished and hopeful until i woke up this morning with a sore tongue. no joke, i pulled my tongue muscle. lesson learned: from now on, stationary licking only. I’m a gonna hold my tongue steady and move the jawbreaker.

And so it begins… I found this badboy in a candy shop on...

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 18:33:00 -0700

And so it begins… I found this badboy in a candy shop on the side of Highway 1 in Bodega Bay, CA. I’m going to finish this thing no matter what. However long it takes. Whatever it takes.